


this show of mine consumes me

by badlands (delusiohns)



Category: Descendants (2015), Descendants (Disney Movies)
Genre: Angst, Evie Centric, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Pining, Platonic Evie/Carlos, Unrequited Love, implied/referenced eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2018-04-29 10:53:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5124836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delusiohns/pseuds/badlands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But she's older now, and when she was younger she would have ate her sorrows and flushed them down the toilet. Now she pours liquor down her throat with Carlos in his room as if it could do anything to raise her heavy heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. part 1

**Author's Note:**

> if you're looking for carlos and jay, they are more explicitly talked about in part 2 but this is very evie-centric.

Everything in Auradon is so beautiful and Evie isn't sure if she's the fairest of them all anymore. The apples that she grew within have gone rotten. She had forgotten to tend to them while she was busy doing a prince's homework and baking magical cookies with Mal. _It's okay_ she thinks _Mal is just as rotten as I am_.

Evie don't have her Prince Charming anymore. Her golden boy found himself a real princess. She realizes she might not need to live in a big castle anymore. Not after being trapped in a castle for the majority of her life on the Isle of The Lost. Lord knows that leaving that castle was the best damn thing to ever happen to Evie and she's never going back. She thinks everything has worked itself out. _It's okay_ she thinks _I don't need a prince, Mal will always be there to save me even if a prince won't_.

Evie might have Mal but Mal has Ben. It's okay, Evie can bend and she can fold, she's so used to it already. Even if it's a tight fit, she can swallow herself up and no one will ever know otherwise. The way her mother taught her, the way she's been doing all her life. She'll stretch herself so thin that there'll be enough room for the three of them. Because if there is one thing Evie knows, it's how to make room. And she understands that some of Mal is better than none of Mal. That's all Evie needs, really, is some of Mal. Half-smiles, half-truths, half-apologies.

Evie can bend and fold but Ben cannot. It's not his fault, he doesn't know what he's doing. After all, he's a prince. He was never taught how to bend and fold. Never taught to contain himself, to fit himself in a box. And so he doesn't, he spills like an overflowing sink with no apologies and no regrets. He takes all of Mal and leaves the regrets for her.

And she regrets, and regrets, and regrets.

Mal chose goodness and so, of course, she would choose him. He's light and he's pure. He grew flowers in Mal's once rotten core. And it almost makes Evie laugh because it's so damn _predicable_. It's cliche and boring, and Mal would _hate_ it. Well, Mal would have hated it if she wasn't so caught up in trying to mirror Ben and his ceaseless kindness and his caring nature.

He's sugar sweet. He reminds Evie of the frosting on the cakes she used to eat back on the isle. The cake she'd eat only to throw up and repeat because it was all she had control over back when Carlos was coming over bloody and raw with cuts and bruises. Back when Jay would coming over for a place to sleep when he didn't get enough for his father. Evie's older now but she feels more powerless now than she ever did on the Isle. At least now she has a mirror that shows her what she wants without having to skip any meals. That doesn't stop her from thinking that if she stopped eating then maybe Mal would have chosen her instead.

And that _does_ make her laugh. It's disgusting. It's sick. But she's older now, and when she was younger she would have ate her sorrows and flushed them down the toilet. Now she pours liquor down her throat with Carlos in his room as if it could do anything to raise her heavy heart.

Evie spends more time in Carlos's room than she spends in her own. It was _CarlosandEvie_ before it was _EvieandMal_   and _CarlosandJay_ anyways. It was _CarlosandEvie_ long before it was _MalandBen_  and  _JayandAudrey_ , that's for damn sure. Evie has a feeling that it'll always be the two of them. They were more similar to each other than they were to anyone else back on the Isle of The Lost. Both of them, with their hearts too big, too heavy for their chest. Both of them, with too many wounds still open. Both of them, with their big, worrying eyes, always wanting to help, to feel useful, _adequate_. And he worries, and so does she, your bodies were not meant to torn apart by the wars you wage with yourself. Your bodies are not collateral damage of the bad things that have happened in your life. But yet, still he understands. He's just trying his best to lick his wounds, same as her.

She doesn't expect anyone else to understand. She sweeps it under the rug because that's what she does best. Her mother taught her to be a phenomenal cleaner, and her feelings are messy. She pushes them down, tucks them away. It's not that hard, really, she just has to make it to the room before curfew. She just has to plaster a smile on her face and not raise any suspicions. She just has to act like everything's okay. And Evie _can_ do that, Evie's _been_ doing that.

So she gives up her days to schoolwork, to her perfect little charade, to counting how many smiles Mal gives her in a day and cursing the butterflies in her stomach. And the night is hers. She'll drown her demons, she'll soak them in gasoline and watch them burn underneath her skin.


	2. part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evie is Mal's best friend and Evie loves her. Evie is Mal's best friend and Evie is in love with her. Those lines started getting blurry long before Ben entered the picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this is like three years later but i decided to come back to it.

Mal feels herself crumbling under the pressure of trying to be all things good and pure and _Ben_. Evie notices, she notices Mal's lying and sneaking around. She sees the half-smiles that Mal gives Ben and sees guilt in Mal's eyes where there should be love. And Evie would be lying if she said she didn't take in some amount of satisfaction from watching the charade.

Evie is Mal's best friend and Evie loves her. Evie is Mal's best friend and Evie is in love with her. Those lines started getting blurry long before Ben entered the picture. But Ben's presence -- and the alcohol that Evie's been using to get rid of some demons that followed her from the Isle -- do absolutely nothing to make the lines any clearer.

She's sitting in Carlos's room, explaining the situation. She realizes she should feel more shame about revealing the fact that she's secretly happy that her best friend and Prince Charming are hitting rocky ground but then she remembers who she's talking to. Evie is nothing if not observant, she's a perfectionist who often finds herself lost in the details. She notices the way Carlos lights up whenever Jay comes to him with his girl problems. The way that Carlos never really offers Jay any help, just ways to help get the situation off of his mind. She'd say it was adorable the way that Carlos eagerly pounces on any opportunity to spend time with Jay, evoking an image of puppy in her mind, if she didn't think it was pathetic on some level.

(Carlos may be pathetic but Evie realizes that she's no better off.)

Carlos is nothing if not empathetic. In Auradon, Evie finds that the more things change, the more they stay the same. And one thing that has never changed is the warmth in Carlos's big brown eyes. Even on her worst days, when she's drunk and so far gone in her darkness, Evie can always look in those eyes of his and find her way back home. Evie admires the way that Carlos has never really let the world make him cold. She wishes she was more like him and tries not to hate herself for all the ways she isn't. She typically fails at the latter.

Carlos thinks she should talk to Mal. She reminds him that talking isn't her strong suit.

How could she talk to Mal when she's been playing an act for years? She's a puppet with alcohol, drugs, self-hate, and self-harm pulling at her strings. 

Carlos tells her to stop being so dramatic.

"You don't need to do an entire intervention," he says rolling his eyes, "But I don't know what I'd do without you. Don't you think Mal deserves the same? Just someone to talk to."

 

 

  
Evie confronts Mal about the lying and the sneaking around. At first Mal lies about the lying, because old habits die hard. But Mal is just a girl and she is bottling too much up inside. She explodes and so much is pouring out that Mal's slightly concerned that she might flood their room. If Evie has the same concern, she doesn't voice it.

Instead, Evie wonders how things could have turned out differently. She wonders if there's an alternative universe out there where the four of them aren't so broken down, where the four of them are okay.

Instead, Evie thinks about telling Mal to run away with her. It'll just be the two of them and they can work on licking their wounds together. Evie wants to tell Mal that she doesn't need to change for anyone, especially not to be loved by Prince Charming because Evie's been loving her all along. Evie wants to shout at her that it's okay to be broken, Evie's broken too, they can fix each other, they don't need to be perfect.

Instead, Evie asks, "Do you love him?"

If there's doubt in Mal's eyes or hesitance in her voice, Evie doesn't challenge her. Evie doesn't tell Mal how Mal could never be less than beautiful but Evie hates her new hair and her new clothes. She resists the urge to rip the fake blonde hair out of Mal's head, resists the urge to burn all that pastel colored clothing, and forces a smile when she hears a, "Yes."

Evie tells Mal that she should make it work. She tries not to choke on the word "honesty" when she tells Mal to come clean. She tells Mal that she loves her and she wants her to be happy, which is true.

Evie decides that there are definitely universes out there where Evie isn't drowning her demons and Carlos doesn't still have nightmares. But Evie also decides that in this universe, Mal at least deserves the chance to be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all mistakes are mine and i didn't really proofread. sorry if this wasn't as good as the first one but i was inspired by descendant's 2.

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the song 'self fulfilling prophecy' by maria mena. partly inspired by the fic 'I Feel It Coming Down My Throat' by That_stupid_girl. i wrote this awhile ago after reading the story and after tearing it completely apart and putting it back together i finally published it. i'm sorry for any typos, i checked but there are always things that escape your eyes. i hope it was coherent and understandable. thank you for reading!


End file.
